It’s Friday, and the day before you win the 289 US Powerball jackpot! So now that you have purchased your lucky Powerball entries (if you haven’t, stop reading this and get your lucky US Powerball ticket now). There’s 289 million Dollars at stake and if you win the Powerball jackpot, there’s no work for you on Monday. Your wife won’t leave you, the babe won’t come out of the blue and you won’t have to worry about being fired. If you are wondering what I’m on about, take a look at the following lottery related jokes and make the day before becoming an instant Powerball millionaire a little brighter.
Andre, a 28 year old mechanic, who won $50 million last April playing the Mega Millions lottery game was caught mowing his lawn last Sunday. Andre seems to be leading a normal life and is still married to the same woman. He hasn't been arrested or gone broke and his children are not on drugs. The FBI and the IRS announced today that a thorough investigation will be conducted.
A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies the ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!
A man comes home one evening and shouts "Honey! Pack your bags, I won the Lottery!" She is hugely excited and asks "What type of destination should I pack for", to which he replies: "I don't give a damn, just be outta here by 5!" It's a bit sexist I suppose, but you could swap the man and the woman if you don't have a sense of humour.
A 70-year-old widower in Germany won a 4 million Euro on the Lotto6aus49 (German Lotto), but he says he doesn't want the money because his wife is gone and he has no children, so he doesn't know what he'd do with it. Another guy says: Wow . . . he was married so long that he forgot how to spend his own money!
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win this Saturday’s 289 million Dollar US Powerball just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with me on this... Buy a ticket".
Jack Hendershot, resident of Moscow, Russia wins $32 million on the Mega Millions - chooses to remain anonymous.
A woman came home screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey pack your bags, I won the damn lottery!" The husband said "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
A grumpy old guy jumps the line and goes to the teller. He shouts at the cashier, “Open me a damn checking account woman!”
The astonished clerk replies, “I’m sorry, sir… I seem to have misunderstood what you’re saying?”
“So listen! I said I want to open a damn account. Right now!”
The cashier whispers, “Sorry, sir, but could you please not use that kind of attitude in the bank. I’m going to fetch my manager.”
The cashier goes over to her superior to tell him about what just happened. Her manager calms her down, steps up to the window and asks the man… “Sir, Britt here just told me you wanted to open an account, but that there’s some kind of trouble. What is the problem exactly, sir?”
“Look, there’s no problem, dammit! Just open me a damn account in your damn bank so I can deposit this $289 million I just won in the damn Powerball lottery!”
“No problem, sir. And this damn woman was giving you a hard time?”
Dominic works at a large call centre in Sydney, Australia. At the annual New Year’s do, he decides to pull a practical lottery joke on his boss. When the boss is in the loo, Dominic quickly finds his boss’s wallet and jots down his Powerball lottery ticket numbers for that day. Upon the boss’s return, Dominic takes to the stage, goes up to the mic, and says “G’day everyone. As you all know there’s a special lottery draw tonight, so I thought you might be interested in the winning numbers.” He then lists the numbers he wrote down. A few people start to inspect their tickets, and so does his boss. The boss becomes really quiet, turns pale and starts breathing rapidly. After a few minutes, he gulps down a pint of lager, stands up and shouts out:
“Listen you fools. I’ve been sleeping with my secretary, gorgeous Eva here, for months. I hate you and I hate this company. I just won the Aussie Powerball, so I don’t give a toss. I’m leaving!”
End of job. End of marriage. End of story.
A husband comes home early from work and he asks his wife “What would you do if I told you I’d won the lottery?”
His wife replies “I’ll take half of your winnings and leave!”
The husband responds “Well I just won 10 quid, so take a fiver!”
Evan fleas can dream…
Two fleas bump into each other after not having met for ages.
“I just won the EuroMillions Jackpot!”
“What will you do with all that money?”
“I’m going to get myself a nice new pack of dogs!”
And in closing…
“Luck is not as random as you think. Before that lottery ticket won the jackpot, someone had to buy it.”
There are still a few hours left to purchase your Powerball lottery tickets! Come on, try your luck, it might be YOUR lucky night!
If you know of any other lottery related jokes, leave them in the comments section below. The best joke in our opinion will win a FREE Powerball voucher this Friday!
*** THIS COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED ***
The winner of one FREE Powerball voucher is: Tyrone! Congratulations and a super weekend to everyone!
If you want to earn FREE lotto points, all that you have to do is comment below!